


The Shadows Of The Past

by DefiFox



Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Bullying, Crying, Dark Past, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-04-05 16:47:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19044424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefiFox/pseuds/DefiFox
Summary: Patrik hasn't had an easy past





	The Shadows Of The Past

**Author's Note:**

> I broke up with my bf (who's also been my best friend for years) today and now I feel bad because I know he's not doing well. Anyways, converted my feelings into a nice lil fic for you guys. So, enjoy! (:

All his life he’s been hiding from the truth, that followed him everywhere he went. It has always lurked around every corner, just outside his viewpoint. Every time he thinks he sees, it jumps and shifts and runs away. Now he’s holding it in his grasp, looking at his biggest fears. He looks and searches for everything he’s always believed, breath unsteady, hands shaking. He looks and sees, everything he fears. The things he’s feared, for all his life, are right here in front of him. They look pale and weak, in the brightness of his quiet mind. They look nothing like they used to, but still big enough to cast a shadow over his life.

He blinks as a light is cast down on him, somewhere far away. A distant sound vibrates around him, making him feel exposed and uncomfortable as he continues looking at the truth. He sees many things, and as he continues looking, the shadow in his hands grows darker. With every truth and event from the past he comes across, the others grow bigger. It scares him, but it’s also fascinating. This is what keeps his life in a steady grip, what prevents him from living his own life. This is his past, present and future, all laying in front of him. He looks at the shadow, that is now becoming hard to control once again. It scratches against his palms, trying to escape his hold. Meanwhile the voice outside is becoming louder and louder, sending freezing shivers down his spine. He feels it even here, bursting through his safe and quiet bubble. He’s been seen, he’s been found. There would be no more quiet, he realizes that. He gets up and prepares himself to break through his safe barrier, but not before looking at the shadow that represents his fears one more time.

_‘Where are you going to run now, huh? You little piece of shit!’ A big foot moved towards him, aiming just below his knees. The world spun around as he fell towards the floor, the crackling sound vibrating through him and making him cry out. Red dots covered his vision and prevented him from seeing the face that had caused all of this. It didn’t matter, it was an image etched into his mind. Hateful eyes, staring down at him with a blackness that sucked up all life around it. A white skin, looking colder than snow and shining brightly in the hellish sun. Red lips, as red as demons in fire. A face, always looking down at him with pure disgust. They looked at him the same way someone would look at rotten fruit or the cadaver of an animal on the road. They looked at him like he’d betrayed them, stabbed them in the back, lied to them, or everything all at once. They looked at him with a hatred that was so seething that it burned him out from the inside ever so slowly, until there was nothing left in him. He tried to crawl away, get anywhere but here, but a shrill laugh and a hard tug at his arm pulled him back. He didn’t know where he was supposed to go if he got away, but he knew almost everywhere was better than here. He couldn’t go home, not while looking like this, he knew that. He couldn’t go to the principal or the police or anyone of importance, because they hated him just as much as their children._ _He gasped as a fist hit his stomach and his eyes filled with tears. There were laughs all around as he was lifted up upside down and fists and shoes started hitting him everywhere. He heard people curse at him, hyped up by all of their friends. ‘Idiot!’ ‘Useless!’ ‘Dumbass!’_ _‘Shitface!’ ‘Stupid!’ ‘Worthless idiot!’ It ringed in his head, filling the emptiness that had been formed there, as his body got beaten up by the hands of people he’d once called friends, in a distant past. This was the first of many times they would use his sexuality as an excuse to beat him up, convince him he’s worthless and stupid and a burden to everyone. Slowly these accusations, the pain and the humiliation turned into something darker, gliding just outside his viewpoint. It was always there, a shadow he was forced to carry along where ever he went, infecting others all around him. It would slowly seep into his everyday life, making him a quiet and reserved person. It convinced him that he was worthless, and that he was a burden to everyone around him. He would never be enough, never be strong, never be good. He was destined to become the shadow that he carried around inside of him._

The light slowly becomes brighter and brighter, the safety of his own mind now nothing more than a distant memory. It’s yellow and white and shines down on him, temporarily blinding him when he looks into it. The voice also becomes louder now, and more clear. The warm and kind voice sounds worried, maybe even scared. He slowly realizes that he’s laying on his bed, tucked in under lime green bedsheets, a pillow propped under his head. The tv before him is still playing Netflix, though he has no idea what’s on right now. The worried voice now gets a face, as Jonas shifts into his view. He looks just as troubled as he sounds, a frown just above his two blue eyes, lingering there. Frowns don’t look nice on Jonas, who usually has such an open an warm face. ‘Patrik, are you awake?’ 

Awake? Of course he is awake. He was watching Netflix and got lost in his own mind for a little bit, but Jonas has just made sure he is awake. ‘Yeah, I’m awake. What’s up?’   Suddenly he notices how sweaty he is. His face is covered in little drops of sweat and when he wipes his forehead it leaves a wet stain on his shirt. He slowly sits up to look at Jonas, who is standing next to his bed, still with a frown on his face. 

‘We… we’re going for lunch and I wanted to come and get you, but when I knocked on the door you didn’t answer me. I went in and it was dark, so I switched on the lights and then I saw you on the bed shaking all over and mumbling things, and I guess I panicked. Are you ok, Patrik?’ That is a difficult question. Of course the answer to anyone would be yes, but is Jonas really anyone? Is he still just anyone after they hugged and grabbed lunch together multiple times and he even told him a bit about his youth? Patrik knows he’s overthinking, because those are things you do with your friends, nothing special. He’s sure that Jonas grabbed lunches with his other team members and friends as well, and that he is nothing special. Just another friend. Still, his heart makes a stupid jump when he sees Jonas laugh and a small spark of hope has ignited in him, but it is surrounded with darkness. Because he can never be enough for Jonas. Because no one will ever want him like that. Because no one will ever like him like that. He knows it, and it makes him easier for him to push Jonas away at moments like this one. Still, it is infinitely difficult to not tell anything, put up a smile and say he’s fine.

Jonas sees him consider for just a second too long, and his lie is murdered before it even exists. ‘You’re not.’ It’s spoken quietly, stating something that would be way easier to just ignore or deny. Patrik knows that Jonas wishes right now that he wouldn’t have come in here. If he’d just stayed out, he wouldn’t have to deal with this stupid brat Patrik that demands all of his attention. He could’ve just gone out for lunch and ignore the existence of Patrik’s problems. 

A hand on his shoulder pulls Patrik out of his downwards-spiraling thoughts and he looks up. The face he sees doesn’t look at him with disgust or annoyance, just pure worry and kindness. ‘No, I’m not.’ He speaks just as quietly as Jonas, afraid that he’ll hear it. Afraid that Jonas will have to spend more of his precious time with a mess like him.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ 

Yes, he wants to talk about it. He’s been wanting to talk about this since the day it started. But no, he can’t talk about it. He can’t risk contaminating Jonas with his shadows, his past. This is his problem, his life. Jonas is worth way too much to him, he can’t risk losing him like he’s lost all his friends so many years ago. He’s always been amazed at how hypocrite people could be, accepting stupid kids and cowards all the same, but making someone’s life a hell for their sexuality. It was all because of the way they were raised in the small, Christian village. Everyone knew that gay people would go to hell, that they were bad. His own parents had raised him that way, and still he was gay. They just didn’t seem to understand that he couldn’t help it, that it was just who he was. His own parents barely tolerated him after he’d come out, and they hadn’t done anything about the bullying at all. To say they were glad when he left for Germany is an understatement.

‘I don’t know.’ He sounds lost, even to himself. For a minute he is a boy again, someone who never got to grow up. He’s never seen the beauties of life, never got a chance to play videogames with his friends. He’s always been on his own, ever since he was ten. Jonas hears it in his voice, doesn’t understand what it means, but he knows it goes deep. He knows this isn’t as simple as a nightmare or one bad event, this is the voice of someone who’s lost his way. At that point he decides he doesn’t care about lunch anymore, he’ll just have someone bringing something in for him. There’s somewhere else he needs to be now, with someone else. ‘I’ll be right back, stay here.’

Patrik watches him as he leaves the room, convinced that the elder is sick of him already. He lets out a shaky breath as he leans back against the wall, trying to figure out what show is on tv. He sees horses, and cowboys. It’s a strange show, he decides as an owl attacks a woman who was breast-feeding her baby on a terrace. He reaches for the remote to turn the tv off just as Jonas walks back in, with a glass of water in his hand. ‘Hey.’ Patrik freezes for a moment as he realizes Jonas can look right into his shirt, at the white scar that runs down his chest, starting just above his heart. He quickly finishes his movement, though, grabbing the remote and pressing the red button. He looks at Jonas, who’s frozen in his place. ‘Hey. Are you going to stand there forever?’

Jonas doesn’t pay attention to his remark, slowly moving his eyes up from Patrik’s chest to his eyes. ‘What.. is that?’ Patrik sighs internally, he hoped Jonas wouldn’t see it. Now it is the question how much he can tell Jonas without telling everything, which is as good as impossible. He knows Jonas will keep asking, but he tries to make the scar seem unimportant anyway. ‘It’s from when I was younger, some kids pushed me against a fence when I was at a swimming pool.’ 

Jonas puts down the glass and sits next to Patrik, looking at him narrowly. ‘Were those the same kids that have bullied you throughout school? The ones that “weren’t so bad”?’ Patrik looks at Jonas with a pleading look, begging him to not do this. But he knows that Jonas will keep trying to uncover his past, now that he’s learned such alarming things about it. So he nods eventually, when he’s sure that Jonas won’t bulge.

‘Yes, it’s from the ones that weren’t so bad.’ He says it slowly, because he fears an outburst from Jonas, who is starting to look angry, his frown deepening. ‘Why the hell would they do that to you? I can’t imagine you ever gave them a good reason to, right?’ Patrik has never seen Jonas so close to losing his calm, and it scares him. It makes it harder for him to say what he has to say, because he knows he can’t keep everything in the dark anymore. He has to grip his fears and look them in the eyes now, and accept that Jonas, too, will most likely leave him after he finds out. It’s all he deserves anyway.

He inhales deeply, looking at Jonas’ genuinely concerned eyes and apologizes internally. ‘I grew up in a Christian town. When I was ten there was this boy, who would wink at me and hug me and send me sweet notes. It was when I first discovered that I liked boys, and it didn’t go unnoticed. The boy was a nephew of a girl from my class, and she soon figured out that we’d been flirting to each other. Her nephew went back to his own city a few days later, but I lived in that town. She got all the other kids on board, and they started bullying me for my sexuality.’ This is it, now he said it. Patrik prepares himself for laughter, or for Jonas to get up and leave. He’s pretty sure that Jonas won't be accepting, so he prepares himself for the worst.

‘I’m so sorry you had to get through all that. Didn’t your parents notice what was going on? They could’ve given those idiots what came to them.’ Jonas looks at him, trying to keep his anger under control. Patrik does not understand where the anger comes from, nor why he doesn’t say anything about Patrik being gay. Maybe he misjudged Jonas being unaccepting, maybe it isn’t all too bad. Maybe Jonas won’t walk away from him when he tells him everything. Patrik thinks of it as incredibly selfish, but he hopes Jonas will stay. He likes the other’s company, more than a little. But if he wants Jonas to stay, he’ll have to tell him the full truth first, and judging by the look that is already on Jonas’ face, he will not like the next part.

‘No.’ Jonas sits up quickly, unintentionally brushing his arm against Patrik’s. ‘No? What do you mean, no? Do you mean your parents didn’t give a single fuck about their child?’ Patrik nods silently.

‘Why the fuck would anyone be like that? How could anyone be like that? Look what it cost you!’ Jonas angrily points at Patrik’s scar, while Patrik thinks about the questions. For him, the answers had always been obvious. Of course his parents hadn’t cared about him, it’s not like he deserved it. And they were like that for a good reason, they thought they would go to hell if they didn’t. They thought he would go to hell. His sexuality had made him a disgrace to the family and it was one of the reasons they were all too glad to see him go to Berlin. ‘It.. it’s not that bad. I mean, they thought I’d go to hell. I was, am, a sinner, so why should they care about me at all?’

Jonas looks about ready to start yelling, but he breathes in a few times and keeps himself together, but just barely. He takes Patrik’s hand in his own and looks him the eyes, making sure Patrik gets the message. ‘They are your parents, Patrik. They are supposed to care about you. You deserve someone who cares about you. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through, but I hope I can help you. I care about you, Patrik. A lot.’  

Patrik breathes out unsteadily, feeling big, strong hands around his own. He feels tiny, but so safe with Jonas. The shadow that is his past is lurking close, he can feel it, but it doesn’t approach him. Maybe he can be safe with Jonas, maybe someone can care about him. ‘Do.. do you really? Why would I deserve that?’ Insecurity eats at him as he asks the question, and he feels the blonde’s grip on his hand tightening. ‘Why would you deserve that? You deserve that because you’re human, Patrik. You’re just like me and everyone else here, and you are so good. You are so kind and such a beautiful human being, but you’ve been hurt so bad, so bad.. that you don’t even think you deserve to be cared about anymore.’

Patrik stays silent, emotions washing over him and roaring through him like a storm. Tears start welling up in his eyes as he realizes that maybe he found someone who cares. And maybe, this person will stay with him. He hopes so, he prays for it, because right now Patrik is putting the small amount of faith that remains inside of him into Jonas, hoping that he will be the one who changes everything. He knows it’s selfish and he doesn’t deserve it, no matter what Jonas says, but it feels so good. He breathes in unsteadily and a tear rolls down over his cheek. In an instant Jonas is all over him, pulling him close to his chest. ‘It’s okay, you can cry.. I’m here now, and I’m so sorry that I wasn’t before. I’m not leaving you, I’m right here with you.’

And he does. Patrik cries, for all the time he’s lived without love, for all the times he’s had to fake a smile. He cries in Jonas’ arms, which are safely wrapped around him. He sobs and cries and it’s ugly and disgusting, but Jonas doesn’t leave. He strokes his hair, pulls him closer, keeps him together, and slowly the shadow appears in front of him. Patrik sobs, but doesn’t turn away. He’ll never truly feel ready to face his fears, but he knows that this is his best chance at trying to overcome them. He looks the shadow in its eyes and focuses on Jonas, who is here with him. He feels his warmth and bathes in the comfort of his touch, and focuses on the darkness in front of him. He radiates the love, the warmth, the comfort out to the shadow, willing it to disappear. Slowly it starts to shrink, until the enormous shadow that loomed over his everyday life is diminished to a small thing, almost small enough to ignore entirely. He knows this is not the end, that it won’t be happy ever after from here, but he feels so free now, and he just wants to live in the moment for a little bit longer.

Patrik knows he is taking a big leap of faith when he finally leans back, tears still staining his face. Jonas carefully wipes a tear from his cheek, softly cupping his jaw. Patrik breathes in, preparing himself for what he is about to say. ‘Jonas..’, Jonas shushes him and starts talking instead. ‘I love you, Patrik. I want you to know that I have since the moment we met, and nothing you’ve just told me can change that.’ Jonas looks at him with an expression that is so genuine and loving that Patrik can’t help himself. Soon the tears roll down his cheeks once more, as he takes shaky, deep breaths. Jonas is there for every one of them, softly wiping them away with a loving smile.

Patrik looks at him, at the blonde sitting in front of him, realizing he is the only one who’s truly cared for him in years. The thought hurts, but it also feels so enlightening to realize that he now has someone. ‘I never thought someone would love me.’ Patrik looks at Jonas, who’s still wearing the beautiful smile. The angry expression has disappeared, together with the frown. Suddenly he sees how cute the blonde is, with his glasses and pretty blue eyes.

‘Well, I’m someone and I love you’, Jonas says as he places a shy kiss on Patrik’s cheek.   ‘That’s such a cheesy thing to say’, giggles Patrik, and he kisses Jonas on his nose. Jonas laughs, a bright sound that fills the room and echoes against the walls. It vibrates through his body, just as Patrik realizes something: he feels happy. He feels safe and warm and accepted with Jonas, who would never betray him. Together they could face his demons, and beat them. If Jonas would stay, of course. A sudden feeling of insecurity floods over Patrik, muffling all his happy thoughts. He realizes that he’d be lost without Jonas, that he’s completely depending on one person now, and it feels scary.

‘Please don’t leave me. I don’t know if I can do this without you..’ Jonas looks at him as he cards his fingers through Patrik’s soft hair. ‘You’ll never have to worry about that. But even if you did have to deal with everything without me, there will always be others who are willing to help. The world can be a good place if you know where to look, love.’

Patrik nods and smiles at him, shyly. He thinks he sees what Jonas means, and he’s ready to see the world. He feels ready now, ready to receive love and hate alike, because he knows that Jonas will be right beside him with every single step. He crawls on the elder’s lap, bringing their faces closer. Jonas looks at him, blue eyes warm and open, telling him that he can take his time or speed things up.   ‘I..I’ve never kissed before’, Patrik whispers. His cheeks flush red and it looks so adorable to Jonas that he places a chaste kiss on both of them before responding. ‘I can show you, if you like. Do you want to kiss?’

Patrik is at a loss for words, so he nods. Pretty pink lips come closer to him, and Patrik closes his eyes. He holds Jonas’ shoulders tightly, preparing himself for what’s about to come. When the smooth lips of the elder touch his, he feels himself falling. With every movement Jonas makes, Patrik falls deeper in love with him. His lips are like the waves of an ocean, smooth and movable and soothing. Patrik never really listened to others when they were talking about how wonderful kissing could be, how it felt like connecting with the other on a deeper level. Now he understands what everyone talks about, now he’s felt it.

After a few amazing seconds Jonas pulls back, smiling at him. ‘So, did you like it?’ Patrik breathes in unsteadily, softly brushing his fingers over his lips. His heart is jumping in his chest and there are butterflies twisting around in his stomach. ‘I loved it,’ he places a quick kiss on Jonas’ lips, ‘almost as much as you.’ Jonas rests his head against Patrik’s as his smile grows bigger. ‘Who’s the cheesy one now? You dork.’

Patrik smiles at him, his head in the clouds. He’s found someone here, in this cruel and cold world. It’s his person, who will help him with his shadows and guide him in the present. Jonas is everything he could possibly wish for and more, he decides. Just as he leans in for another kiss, someone knocks on the door. ‘Yo guys, we brought you some food, it’s in the kitchen.’ Patrik leans back abruptly and looks at Jonas, who’s staring at the door. His smile grows only bigger, and before Patrik knows it both men are laughing uncontrollably. Patrik giggles as he rolls off of Jonas’ lap and onto the bed, where Jonas starts tickling him. Soon he’s laughing so hard he has trouble breathing, and he starts kicking playfully at Jonas. The elder just picks up his pace, and after mere seconds laughter can be heard throughout the gaming house.

A few meters to their right, Alfonso slowly closes the door. He smiles as he thinks about the two, and about Patrik. He’s never seen or heard Patrik laugh and giggle that much, and knowing that he actually can makes Alfonso breathe out with relief. His smile grows wider as he turns towards the rest of his team, who are standing behind him.

‘And?’

‘They’re together.’

Erlend and Barney smile. ‘About time.’

**Author's Note:**

> What'd you think? Any tips or ideas? Please tell me! :D


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